Top Headlines from The Shallot This Week
/The Shallot, A Milder Version of The Onion
Erin forgets Sam has Show & Tell at school
Mother-son pair show up at school with nothing; teachers shake head in disapproval
Just as she originally feared, Erin forgot that Sam was assigned to bring Show and Tell at his preschool on Tuesday. “Oh! He’s wearing a new Captain America sweatshirt! Maybe he could share that,” Erin reportedly pleaded with teachers that morning. Both teachers assured Erin he can just bring something the following day. “It will be a lot better if he can choose and bring something he truly cares about,” they reasoned. In unison apparently.
Sam gets his “first keychain”
Erin refuses to add this milestone to his baby book
As if the landmark event rivaled the significance of his first kiss or first college acceptance letter, Sam celebrated the Yokai Watch keychain he got in his McDonald’s Happy Meal after Nate’s basketball practice Tuesday night. “It’s my first keychain!” he told reporters, interrupting the press conference to hook it around the strap of his school bag and sip his milkshake. Nate, ever-committed to proving his superiority reminded reporters that he has six keychains, insisting over Erin’s protests, that Blue Cross rubber bracelets don’t count as a keychain, or at least not as two separate keychains.
Tess still refusing to walk
Minor progress reported as she resigns to “trying” the push-walker she got for Christmas
Scientists and child development experts confirmed suspicions on Wednesday that Tess is officially ready to walk, noting that she doesn’t even put weight on other people’s fingers when they walk her around the house. “The paternal units are just enabling her at this point,” Dr. Fictional Medic opined. “I can easily extrapolate twenty-five years down the road and predict, with 95% accuracy, that she’ll be living with them well into her thirties—or at least they’ll be financing her luxury car, fancy condo, and extravagant lifestyle. All because of this.”
Erin and Tighe part of team that ties for last place on school trivia night
School raises way more money than it needs as desperate team buys torrent of “second chance” stickers
The church basement was all-abuzz with jovial celebration on Saturday night as the same trivia team that always wins trivia night won for another year, continuing their streak that no one actually cares about. But at Table Number Four, there was only heartache and anguish. “I used to be smart,” Erin claimed. “I was a political science major! Of course I knew that Andrew Johnson was a US President!” she went on to anyone who would listen. Which was no one. At press time, other team members still refused to be named for this story.
Erin overhears really cryptic phone call in Panera
Restaurant chain still serving sub-par chai lattes
Erin, trying to be productive at Panera yet again on a Sunday morning, uncovered a plot to overthrow some sort of corrupt government or greedy corporate powerhouse. “I’m not sure which, I couldn’t hear very well,” Erin whispered to the Shallot reporter she met later in the dark, near-empty parking garage when she failed to demand that this meeting be off-the-record. “I’m sure I was listening in on something pretty earth-shattering. Maybe they were trying to conceal a government-extra terrestrial conspiracy? I know Trump is in cahoots with the aliens, I read it on the internet. But I couldn’t hear that well, it was like listening to the teacher in Charlie Brown.”
Rebuffing the notion that it could have just been a man whispering sweet nothings to his girlfriend, Erin scoffed. “No, it was definitely more sinister. Like a coup. Or a murder cover-up. Or a vegan grocery list.”
Nate and Sam roller skate for first time
No one kidnapped by sketchy adults that frequent skating rinks on weekdays
On a recent day off from school, Erin took Nate and Sam—and yes, Tess—to a roller-skating rink to meet up with some of Nate’s friends. Despite the PVC-constructed walkers they pushed around, Nate and his friends spent a lot of time on the ground. “They look like inebriated senior citizens,” remarked one onlooker. All four kindergarten boys sustained bruises on their knees. Sam, who used the Playskool strap-on skates was reportedly uninjured. “He actually only fell once!” Erin boasted later that afternoon. In fact, his one spill was on the carpet outside the rink when he got caught girl-watching and actually put his leg through the PVC pipes, which catapulted him forward over the top of the walker. Embarrassing, yes. But also funny.
“All in all, it was a really successful day!” Erin celebrated. “They both had fun and no one got kidnapped! Though I’m not sure how we walked out of there with a giant inflatable hammer. The hardest part was keeping Tess off the floor. All she wants to do is dance. And since she can’t walk, I don’t feel comfortable letting her roller skate.”
Household gearing up for round of birthdays
Erin and Tighe realize they’re ill-prepared and don’t generally like kids birthday parties
Big things are happening in February 2018 in Kansas City. Tess will turn one on the thirteenth, Nate will turn six on the seventeenth, and Sam will turn four on January 31st, which is basically February. “Since I’m only fertile in May—April?—all our kids’ birthdays are around the same time.” Erin told disinterested reporters on Friday. Tess’s birthday party will include a long, uninterrupted nap, a smash cake, and a whole cheese pizza just for her. Sam’s will include his best friend coming over so they can color and trade Legos, the same thing they do every day. “He’s already put in an order for a rainbow cake and he’ll probably want pizza for dinner,” a press release stated.
Nate’s birthday, on the other hand, will be a red carpet, invite-only extravaganza. The guest list reportedly includes everyone he’s ever met in his entire lifetime except for the dozen or so individuals who’ve wronged him. So the Iranian boy me met on the Staten Island Ferry in December 2016 who didn’t speak English will be invited, but not Lyla, whom he met briefly at a mutual friend’s house in March of 2017. According to Erin, things were getting “hot and heavy” between the pair until she decided she wanted to play with a different toy, at which point Nate declared that he never wanted to see her again and that she can never come to his birthday party.
Nate still saying “gruined”
Erin concedes he’ll never get into Harvard at this rate
In disturbing developments, Nate, nearly six years old, used the word “gruined” instead of “ruined.” According to sources, a frustrated Nate yelled at Erin because she “gruined his surprise for Tess!” Erin defended herself by guaranteeing that Tess wouldn’t be impressed by the plastic ring he had gotten off a birthday cupcake at school that day. Which was in fact the case, because she promptly dropped it on the floor of the car while glaring at her older brother. “I just can’t believe he still pronounces it this way,” Erin lamented. “I mean, he reads actual words now, has he not come across the real word in a book or something? Has Superman not ruined Lex Luthor’s plans before in those silly books he reads? Or do they only use the word foiled?”
