Hashtagging the Day Away

Dedicated to all the people who overuse #hashtags. #myfriendkevin

7:15 Wake up! It’s Monday #caseofthemondays, so I’ve already been to the gym #torture #needtorehydrate and stopped at the grocery store on my way home #weneverstopeating #earlyAMshopping #nocrowds #hemorrhagingmoney 

Tighe, Nate, and Sam meet me in the kitchen. “Dad, Erin’s back!” #firstnamebasis #laidbackparenting 

I greet them all with hello, just to be reprimanded by Nate for not addressing him as Batman and Sam as Robin. #meaculpa #imaginativeplay #superheroes 

I frantically put away groceries and we simultaneously get breakfast together. #multitasking #sohungry #leggomyeggo #mostimportantmealoftheday #oatmealsquares #oranges #notthatyoucare

All throughout breakfast, Tighe and I continue to make the mistake of referring to Nate and Sam by their names, not as Batman and Robin. #catastrophe #beggingforgiveness #notenoughcaffeineintheworld

8:30 I get Sam dressed #ravenstshirt #2012worldchampions and gently suggest to Nate that he get dressed. #longshot 

He tells me he wants to wear his “ripslinger pants.” #doesntownany #notevensurewhatthatmeans

8:36 As I putter in the kitchen, Nate wanders in, “Mom, now are you ready to play?”

“No, I have to pee first.” #toomuchcoffee “Oh. I’m gonna watch.” “What? No. Why?” “Because I love watching you pee. Because I love you.” #notenoughcoffee #inappropriate #dignitylost

8:45 I tell Nate we have some errands to run today. #traderjoes #target #postoffice #incrediblyoptimistic 

Nate interprets “running errands” as running back and forth pretending to be me (Erin). #homonyms #3yroldconfusion #preschoolersareliteral

9:00 Tighe leaves for work. Sam #dramaqueen wails as though his dad is leaving to fight in an ill-fated war. #vietnam #iraq/afghanistan #longsigh #pleasedontleave #pleasecomeback #i’llmakeagooddinner! #maritalbribes #please #toomanyshashtags

I ask Nate what time it is. His minion watch says 7:44. He replies “four-thirty pounds.” #wrong #failingmissourischools

9:01 Wrestling match ensues on the floor. Result: draw? unknown winner. Other results: bump on Sam’s head. #concussionawareness Much of Sam’s breakfast is spit up on his shirt. #cereal #sourmilkstench #morelaundry

9:03 Every single Lego we own somehow makes it out of it’s storage space and onto the floor. #toomanytoys #lotsofcleanup

9:07 Check the mail. Empty. I remember that it’s usually a little later on a Monday. #somethingtolookforwardto #junkmail #coupons #equusmagazine

9:15 Nap time for Sam. #alonetimewithNate #longersigh 

9:27 “Mom, I’m gonna chug some water.” #futurefratboy #kegstands

9:30 I quickly chat on a toy cell phone with Disney characters as a ploy to convince Nate to get dressed #success #moredignitylost #thankyoumickey

9:50 Sam’s making very loud noises in his crib #shutupgotosleep while Nate and I debate whether or not he’ll go back to sleep #illogicalarguments

10:00 We finally agree that Sam’s just awake. #timetorunerrands

10:20 Trader Joe’s! #freecoffeesamples #freelollipops #overlyexcitedemployees #everybodywins Someone asks me if Nate can have some coffee. #hellno #somethingsjustaren’tfunny

11:00 Target #vacuumcleanerbags #boring #keepingthevacuumhappy 

Nate stands near the checkout lines, sucking his lollipop and staring down people who pass by. #kidsareawkward #tactless

We never make it to the post office. #samneedstosleep #erinneedstoeat #yourewelcomepostalemployees #foreverstamps #newman #putofftiltomorrow

12:00 Sam is asleep in his crib #thankGod while Nate and I play in the basement until lunch. #matchboxcars #zooanimalsbattle #lightningmcqueen

12:45 Lunch is ready for both boys. #frozenpizza #appleslices #babycarrots #pumpkinmuffins #yogurt #incrediblymessy #peanutbutterfree #woo-hoo

1:30 My caffeine high is starting to wear off. #mustbenaptime #pleasebenaptime

1:34 Nate and Sam are not tired. #poop #pleasebetired #i’mtired

1:37 They’re still playing. #lotsofenergy! #where’smyenergy? 

2:00 Ok, it’s time. #goupstairs #Icanfinishmylunchnow!

2:20 Sam’s crying. #pleasesleep #Ijustwanttocheckmyemail

2:30 Fine. I have to go get Sam. #screamingbloodymurder #dramaqueen

2:33 I bring Sam downstairs. Nope, he’s fine. Nothing seems to be wrong. He alternates between sipping his milk and unsuccessfully lunging for my laptop, which he refers to as “no.” #handsoffSam #getyourownlaptop #cyberbullying

3:00 Finally he decides to play on his drums #thanksforthebirthdaygiftMary #yourdoggetsrefriedbeansnexttimewevisit for a half hour until he can’t fake that he’s not tired anymore. #kidsaremanipulative

3:30ish-3:57 ERIN TIME! #mostglorioustimeofday #shouldbecleaning #meditation #read #stareblankly #davidpuddy

3:57 Nate comes down stairs #likeclockwork, just as something I actually want to watch comes on TV. #hastopee #needsasnack #chocchipgranolabar

We both fake that we’re happy to see one another. #must.get.second.wind 

4:08 The Legos come out. Again. #musthireananny #marypoppins #sherrybobbins 

4:27 Time check. Ninety-three minutes til Tighe gets home. #serenitynow #seinfeldquotes Nate and I look at pictures of puppies #pipedreams online for 20 minutes while Wally, who hasn’t been pet in three days, sits inches away and sulks. #woeisme

5:02 Sam wakes up! #bloodymurder #dramaqueen 

5:32 Tighe comes home early and he and Nate study The New Children’s Encyclopedia. It has a little bit on tons of topics, including the solar system. The following dialogue actually happened: 

Nate: Hey, what’s this?

Tighe: That’s Uranus.

Nate: Anus? My anus? #yes #afraidtohashtagthisone

6:00 Finally dinner time! #turkeymeatballs #roasted potatoes #spinachsalad 

Somehow, Nate face plants off his chair while trying to dance and eat cheese cubes at the same time. #howthehell…? As I try to lift him up, he slams his head on the table. #doubleoops #threestooges

We put on Journey’s Greatest Hits #lovingtouchingsqueezing #openarms and Tighe and I have some red wine #fullbottle #cabernetsauvignon #2.99attraderjoes, bringing us to call my brother Kyle. He undoubtedly regrets answering the phone. 

In the middle of the conversation, Tighe realizes that Nate has a huge hole in the front of his #Cars underwear and his #Wang is hanging out. Kyle hangs up shortly thereafter. 

6:42 Tighe takes Nate and Sam up to get ready for bed #footypajamas while I clean up dinner. #iwin #no,seriously

When I finish, I go up for prayers #pleasefortheloveofGod and bedtime stories.

7:02 Bed time stories for Nate. #curiousgeorge #superherobooks Nate asks a million questions, interrupting me 100,003 times #butmom making a seven page book last for 22 minutes. 

7:33 I’m back down in the kitchen making sleepy time tea #we’reold and we share some Girl Scout cookies #likecrackcocaine #bestsalespeopleever while we watch #ParksandRec #amypoehler #ronswanson or #It’sAlwaysSunnyinPhiladelphia or #LastWeekTonight or [insert #othershow here] #allourdaysareexactlythesame. Sometimes we even try and read. #iusedtobeliterate

#Goodnight!