Top Headlines From The Shallot This Week
/The Shallot, A Milder Version of The Onion
Home Invaded by Ants because Baby Sleeps with Cereal
“Food is the only thing that makes him happy!” said the very tired but also strikingly beautiful mom. When asked to comment, Sam spit out some Pepperidge Farm Goldfish and said aggressively, “book.”
Cell Phone Shatters Yet Again!
Husband not as angry as expected when wife tells him four days later
“It happened on the same day that I needed to replace the battery in the Suburban and I knocked someone’s side view mirror off… Even Nate agreed he’d probably kill me. What a relief to still be living!”
A Somber Erin Turns 32
Insists on listening to Phil Collins during Sam’s nap on her birthday
“I don’t know, I really just wanted to hear ‘In the Air Tonight’ to pump myself up for the NFL draft, and this YouTube app just kept going with more playlists,” she says in an interview with The Herald, “I was too lazy to get up and change it, better than Rod Stewart anyway…Thanks a lot, Google Fiber!” At press time, the theme from “Tarzan” had just come on as Erin cursed Disney. “Did anyone even see that movie?”
Nate tells woman at church: “I’m not a baby”
Violent face-off averted
In a casual exchange before church on Sunday, an unnamed woman who held the door for Tighe, reportedly remarked to him, “well, you’re carrying a baby.” The woman was apparently referring to Nate. Stunned by her comment, Nate stewed during much of the service, until the sign of peace, at which point he shook the woman’s hand and told her factually, “I’m not a baby.”
According to eyewitness accounts, he went on to explain that he’s a big boy, but he has a baby brother, named Sam, at home. “I’m just glad he wasn’t armed with any ninja weaponry,” said one witness. Tighe, also relieved, said that Nate’s imaginary sensei would be proud. “Is there any greater insult to a three year-old than calling him a baby? He acted with such discipline and self-restraint. She got lucky.” The unnamed woman was unable to be reached for comment.
Puzzles Remain All Over the Floor of The Office
Wally the Dog to file official complaint
“There are books and puzzle pieces right where I sit to look out the window for 90% of my waking hours [90 minutes] a day! How am I supposed to serve and protect with that juvenile nonsense all over the house?” During a press conference outside the Kitchen Headquarters on Tuesday, Erin’s lawyer alleged that parents should refrain from cleaning up for fear of stunting their children’s creative development. “That’s such a cop out,” Wally told reporters. “I’ve heard her say that on multiple occasions — show me the research to back that up! Show me the studies! She’s just lazy!” Nate and Sam did not immediately reply to The Shallot’s request for comment.
Nate Gets New Red Shoes!
Dad, hoping to live out his athletic dreams vicariously through his son, says shoes will make him faster
“I love red! Now I’m fast! You know Kai, the red ninja? Well, he’s red, and I have a red ninja outfit,” Nate said on Sunday. At least that’s what we think he said. His voice was muffled because his mouth was covered by his red windbreaker and he was doing “ninja spin moves,” according to his press agent, Sam. Reporters were advised to “keep their distance” since he was swinging two sticks from the backward.
Unwelcome Enya playlist comes on after Phil Collins
Erin, outraged, finally gets up to switch the channel
“How is this logical?! Who makes the leap from Phil Collins to Enya? I can understand Sting or The Police or even Michael Bolton, but Enya? I’m calling my congressional representative.”
Ketchup Shortage Not as Dire as Predicted
Should be sufficient for Friday night’s chicken fingers
Upon checking the Heinz supply in the refrigerator on Wednesday afternoon, Erin realized there should be enough to last through the weekend. “This is a real game changer for me, I’m so relieved. I know I’m really not going to feel like going to the store this week, and there’s no way Nate and Sam will eat chicken fingers or fish sticks without it,” she told reporters. “Plus, I feel like I just bought some. I feel like I buy it all the time, and I’d rather not support the Heinz family if I don’t have to.”
When asked how much ketchup Nate and Sam typically consume and how frequently, Erin started to become agitated. “The real issue isn’t the consumption; it’s the waste. They smear it around on their plates to the point that it’s unusable. And then Nate will get indignant when the slightest bit gets on his carrots or strawberries, and he’ll refuse to eat them. I don’t even think he actually likes the taste of ketchup, I think he just likes it because it’s red. I think he’s a Communist.” Sam could not be reached for comment due to an afternoon nap, and Nate was pre-occupied with a scheduled showing of Curious George.
Found! Dave the Easter Egg Rescued From Back of Refrigerator
Cracks almost immediately
After being missing since Easter Monday, Dave, the hard-boiled Minion Easter Egg, has been found in the refrigerator, behind the milk and orange juice. “The day after Easter, Nate had Dave out of the fridge and carried him around with him most of the afternoon. I couldn’t remember him putting him back in the fridge, so I was getting nervous that he was hidden in the house somewhere, being mutilated by rodents and ants.”
“Minions are tough,” Nate commented as he crushed the shell and smashed the yolk into a bowl at the dining room table. “It tastes nasty.” Nate was seen spitting out pieces of the yolk onto the carpet, saying, “It looks like cheese.” Dave is survived by Nate and all Nate’s “minion” paraphernalia, including a tent, socks, stuffed minions, a pillow, a puzzle, and a watch. In lieu of flowers, mourners are asked to donate to Gru’s Scholarship Fund for Villains.
New Batman Book Found at Library
Nate thrilled; Sam indifferent, rumored to still be hungry
“Tighe’s gonna come home from work, and I’m gonna tell him: ‘Tighe, we found a new Batman book at the library!’” Nate told his Mom on Wednesday at lunch.
Tighe to Visit Las Vegas this Weekend
Erin looking forward to full control of the TV remote
Unsubstantiated reports also allege that Erin will eat cereal for dinner and make massive strides toward finishing reading her mermaid book.
Nate Correctly Pronounces ‘Each Other’ for First Time
Groundbreaking milestone leaves Mom incredulous
“I didn’t even know what he was saying because he actually said ‘each other’ correctly instead of ‘each oth-ee-er.’ It always sounds like he’s speaking French or something. He can say ‘other’ and ‘another,’ so I don’t know why ‘each other’ is any different. Must be tough to be illiterate.”
Erin Puts on Shoes
Wally seems to think walk is imminent
Upon checking the weather forecast and realizing that the high would not be much over 60 degrees today, Erin went upstairs to put on shoes and socks in lieu of her flip-flops. “If my feet are cold, my whole body will be cold, and I’ll find myself making tea for lunch and digging around for my hand warmers, which is ridiculous,” she was overheard telling Nate, who seemingly could care less. “I hate letting Wally down like that — just because I’m putting on shoes doesn’t mean we’re going for a walk or to the playground. We can’t go for a walk right now. Sam’s asleep. Poor Wally, he’s just so pathetic.” When asked for a response, Wally’s comment was not fit for print.
