Top Headlines from The Shallot
/The Shallot, A Milder Version of The Onion
Start of school promising for Nate
Teachers pledge letter writing, name recognition, and alphabet recitation; Mom, Sam, and Wally rejoice.
In contrast, a grumpy Nate tells reporters that a 9 AM start time is too early!
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Erin ambitiously plans Sam’s Only-Child Days: colors, shapes, letters, Sesame Street, early naps, and toddler story time
“We were going to the Story Times for the preschool kids because Nate was usually with us, but that just didn’t seem fair to Sam. Those big kids are a fast crowd, I don’t want them influencing poor, baby Sam.” When asked for comment, Sam scowled and swung a stick as he said, “hi-yaaaa!” He promises to never sit still, just like he doesn’t do at the preschool story times.
Nate switches from bagels with cream cheese to frozen waffles for daily breakfast
Eats record-breaking three waffles on inaugural morning!
When asked for comment, Nate said, mouth full, “Is there sugar in syrup?” At press time, Nate was lamenting that there were no chocolate chips in those waffles and considering a change back to bagels.
Sketchy car parked across street leaves trunk open
Keeps Erin occupied for hours; “I can see everything from the dining room window!”
The mysterious house across the street continues to puzzle Erin. “I just don’t know what happens at that house. There are all kinds of cars all the time.” Rumors have circulated about it being a hot house for drugs or a rehearsal studio for a band, but calls to the house from this reporter were not immediately returned.
Medical breakthrough proves successful for Sam’s ailments
For months now, Sam, still trying to master running and balancing, has suffered many injuries, including scrapes and bruises from falling and bumping into stationary objects. In addition, Nate’s temper and being run over by Wally have caused even more minor damages. Fortunately, medical researchers have discovered that if Erin kisses the general area of the afflicted body part, Sam is suddenly “all better!”
Casey, famed Trader Joe’s employee, declared missing
As regular customers at Trader Joe’s, Erin and her sidekicks, Nate and Sam, realized that they haven’t encountered Casey, their favorite employee, in several weeks. “We just haven’t seen her in a while,” Erin said in an interview. “I don’t know, did she get fired? Did she quit? Did she switch shifts with someone?” They report that Casey always went out of her way to say ‘hi,’ and on at least two occasions, prepared a special free sample for Nate and Sam when they rebuffed the regular sample. She even watched patiently, smiling, while Nate danced for her and Sam ran in place next to him.
Erin continued, “Is she in some guy’s trunk somewhere? Do I need to file a police report? Or is that her parents’ job? Her roommate’s? I mean, we really don’t know her that well. I think her name was Casey. Maybe it was Carrie?”
New recipe for fingerling potatoes discovered
Drowning in the sea that is dinner preparation, Chef Erin has finally found yet another way to do potatoes. “It’s pretty basic,” Erin said at a press conference held Tuesday morning. “Fingerling potatoes are already so creamy and tasty, just adding some sea salt and red wine vinegar makes it a real delicious treat.”
Weekly grocery budget set at $75
Nate/Sam/Tighe faction fear new austerity measures
It will be tight, perhaps impossible. Critics claim that Erin made such cutbacks several months ago that didn’t stick. “Obviously, this won’t include diapers because they’re ridiculously expensive and I order them online, so it’s basically imaginary money.” “But otherwise, no more expensive cereals! No more milk! Or cheese! Or conditioner! We might have to go vegan now. Or we’ll just have fruit snacks, they’re pretty cheap.”
Erin completes monkey bars at playground
Declares she “still got it”
At press time, she was sitting on a bench, winded and trying to sneak Pepperidge Farm Goldfish from Sam.
Nate and Sam find sewer at playground
Explore for Signs of TMNT Life
Squatting down and poking sticks through the sewer grate on Tuesday, Nate and Sam were optimistic that giant Mutant Ninja Turtles inhabited this particular sewage system. “Raaaph! Mikey!” Nate yelled down. “Raaaph! Mikey!” Sam repeated. Looking on, Erin was doubtful. “You know, those were fictional characters, right? And it takes place in New York. City! That’s like 2,000 miles from here,” she said to no one in particular. “Ok, this is embarrassing.”
Erin and Sam grow bored of each other
Despite regular coffee dates and conversations where each manages to get a word in edgewise, they miss Nate, who started back to school last week. Yesterday, on a long walk to visit a new playground, Erin proceeded to lecture Sam on the history of the automobile industry.
“We got the beginning down, including Henry Ford. Then I covered some of the larger foreign manufacturers, but we never even got to outsourcing and shipping American jobs overseas. That’s a pretty big deal for residents in places like Ohio and Michigan, but Sam kept interjecting with observation about the scenery. It’s like he wasn’t even paying attention.” When asked for comment, Sam said, “’Nother squirrel!”
Sam named Official Toilet Flusher in house
After flushing the toilet for both Nate and Erin for the sixth consecutive day, Sam is named the Official Toilet Flusher in Residence. Erin praised his commitment: “It’s like he has a sixth sense for knowing when anyone is sitting on the toilet. We’re really growing dependent on his skills. I don’t know what we’ll do when he takes a nap. I might have to flush all by myself. Or hold it until he wakes up.”
Letter to the Editor
Early bedtimes are un-American!
To the editor: As a young civilian, I find myself in bed between 7 and 7:30 almost every night. This is unacceptable! I have no vote, no say in this matter and these fascist dictators I’m living with have taken it too far! Is this what our forefathers intended? No! They intended liberty, individualism, sovereignty, autonomy, self-determination! We must emancipate ourselves from this tyranny! Signed, A concerned & patriotic toddler
